I've been busy doing my own thing which tends to worry my brother more than it should. But let's see what I have been doing that I care to talk about.

Halloween was my birthday. Jeff and Adri came over for a little while just to say Happy Birthday and then they left. I don't really celebrate the day. I mean I could have went out and drank myself stupid like most people who turn 21 but I chose to stay in. Celebrate with the kids by taking them trick-or-treating with Pacey. And after that night was the last I heard from him. I'm thinking I should stop bringing guys around the house until I find one that will stick around. It kind of hurts Maya to lose someone she considers a "trusted" friend. She's such a trusting child. I have no idea where she gets that from. Most likely her father. He did try to trust more than most.

Thanksgiving came and went. I had a meal with the family which was tense but that's normal. Anywhere you get Jeff and Jordie in the same room and the tension swells. I mean so thick it could be cut with a knife. Those two butt heads all the time. They have two different points of views. Both think they're right and the other is wrong and it gets really confusing when you seem to be expected to pick sides. But all in all it turned out alright. No blood was shed this year which is always a good thing. Adri was there. She looked a little uncomfortable. The kids seemed normal. But I guess the older ones are used to it. After all, they've know Jordie and Jeff for a while now. Them being the "parents" and all.

Jeff's birthday was a little after Thanksgiving. I did get to see him for a little while on his birthday. Enough to wish him a happy birthday and give him a gift which is all I could ask for. I was working and so was he. Or I think he was. He was out and about at any rate. Maybe he was just running errands.

I went Christmas shopping with Adri. That was kind of fun. Talked about her getting back into the music business. She has a lot of support behind her which is great. I wish her the best of luck in that. It was really nice spending some time alone with her. Normally I'm either there to talk to Jeff or to ask for a babysitter. So it was good to actually be able to get some one on one time with her.

My son Jethro turned 1 on December 2nd. I threw him a little party. How big of a party can you really throw a one year old. It's not like they've been out and about to make friends right? But he had a family only party. It was fun. I think even Maya had fun. He got a lot of gifts from his aunts and uncles. He really is being spoiled rotten. Ha-ha! Maya can't wait for her birthday. She's hoping for a party this year but I don't know about that yet. She doesn't need a party every year. Just the important ones.

Christmas came and went. I went over to Jordie's with the kids to celebrate. Gifts were handed out. Actually with them it was more like gifts rained down on everyone. Needless to say the kids have plenty of toys to keep them busy and I have plenty of new things to keep me busy as well. But the point of Christmas isn't always what you get. It's also what you give. And I tend to be generous around Christmas time. So gifts were given out from my side as well.

Jordie's birthday was New Years Eve so I spent the day with her at her place. It's been a while since we just hung out. Maybe this year I should make more time to hang out with just my siblings. I kind of miss that bond we used to have. At least Jordie and I used to have. We had so many things in common but it all kind of fell appart after my stepfather was murdered and I moved to Boston. Not that I regret that. It's probably the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I've put in for a transfer at work. It's time to move my job closer to home. Get away from Bayview. I loved my boss there but even he agreed it would be better for me and the kids if I was closer to home and not in a the part of town that gets the most crime. So I should be in the North division soon. Might be strange working for someone new. But I'll be out on the streets soon too. It could be fun I suppose.

I've been debating going back to school. Taking night classes. I don't know yet. I'm already away from the kids a lot. But when they're sleeping I get so bored. And I can't just bake all the time or I'm never going to get rid of all the food. I could write but that reminds me of what I could be doing. What I chose to stop doing and that just brings back memories I don't want. I can't go back there again so until I am solid with my new career choice I shouldn't think about that.

I've fallen out of touch with Ethan and Evan. I don't call home as often as I used to either. Bailey's called me a few times just to get hung up on about the time he says hello. Cole calls every once in a while and I do talk to him. I miss him but I can't go back home just because I miss one person. It wouldn't make any sense. Maybe that's what scares Jeff. I'm in an unstable place right now and he's not sure whether I'll go or stay. Or if I'll go on a downward spiral like I have before or go up and keep my footing. I don't know the answers either. Sooner or later they will come but until then, I guess I should get some sleep. I have to work tomorrow.

Tweak's funny. Don't ask why I put that saying up there. You know I never realized how much I miss traveling. Growing up, traveling pretty much made my existence. Everyone agreed it was safest for me to be as far away from the east coast as possible. So I traveled whether it be filming, touring, or competing, I was always on the road. Seeing all there is to see through work. I've thought about dipping my feet back in those waters but I've got my daughter back and now my son. Plus I can't leave the dogs alone. It's not like life is bad here. It just gets...boring after awhile.

I'm not always the most forthcoming with information. Okay. I'm just not forthcoming at all. If it's about me, it's hidden until I know I can trust a person. Or I think I can trust a person. Sometimes I'm off base on my character judgment. I've been wrong a few times here. Definitely wrong at home. But that just means everyone knows a little about me that someone else probably doesn't. For example, some of you know exactly what my real family is, others don't. Some don't even know I'm adopted. Well, I guess they do now but that's neither here nor there. Sometimes my closed in ways get me in trouble. I tend to take things a little more seriously by those I don't know or don't like. But I was asked nicely by my brother to call a truce so I guess I'm calling it. Under some circumstances which will be found out later on.

( Relationship, family and more. )

Jethro is growing up. He's starting to crawl. Well, attempting it. He moves fast when he's awake. It's really cute. He learns fast. I'm enjoying watching him grow.

I don't know what else to say. So here's a couple pictures of my (  new additions. )

Life's been...hectic. Choices have been made as well as the calls to make them happen. We'll get into the choices soon. But first to go to the way I think of life. It's a little bit of a violent twist. Everyone normally says life is like a roller coaster ride. Well, okay that works too but I put my own twist on it. A kid living around death all the time growing up tends to think of death when thinking of life. My way of life is more like a game of Russian Roulette. I make choices. Some of them are dangerous. Some aren't. Some put others in danger. Some put me in danger. Whatever choice I make, could be deadly to a certain extent. Either to me, my way of living, friendships, relationships, even my career. At times I jeopardize it all.

( Family, meetings, work, and more. )

As for the rest of my life, it hasn't been too bad. I volunteer a little at the humane society. I have a unique relationship with animals. They're more like a calming factor in my life. I love animals. Mostly dogs but cats are all right. At least once every week I call home to papa. Sometimes we talk for hours. He's always asking for my input. he tries to get me to help him on some cases. But you know, it's hard to play the real life version of clue over the phone. It's never Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick I can guarantee. But it's so much easier to role play in person than over the phone you know. I love the man though. He always tries to keep my mind working on something. Sometimes its just little riddles or games to keep me occupied. Mom, well, she takes the medical route. She teaches me different medical things. I learned how to stitch people up while playing in the morgue. I watched a kid eat stomach contents. That was disgusting.

Anyway, the dogs need walked and the kids need exercise. It's time to wear them down for the night.

I've learned a lot of the last few months. I learned how to worry my brother within days. I learned more about myself and my family. Who they trust and who they don't. Jeff's trust is a little....hypocritical to say the least. He tells me cops can't be trusted. Not even ex-cops. And yet his best friend is a cop that he trusts. So how does that work out? And he trusts me. I'm a cop. I don't get how his thinking process works but I'm sure I'm not supposed to know. There are some things in life that you just never figure out.

I've also been thinking about different things. I know that usually gets me into more trouble than not. I've been trying new things. Experimenting a little, which tends to worry my brother. He likes the calculated little girl he doesn't have to worry about. But you know, things change. And really I'm sure my life would have changed sooner if I had let it. I've always been this calculated person. I speak when spoken too like I was taught by one of the many stepfathers I had. I stay out of the way when possible, another thing learned from him. And I'm one that used to get angered by childish antics coming from adults. I still get annoyed by that at times. Over the years, after I was adopted into my family now, I learned I didn't have to expect to be beaten when walking into a room. I didn't have to expect late night visitors when I went to sleep. But what is beaten into you tends to stay more readily at the front of your mind. And that means I'm always telling myself to think things out. Calculate people's reactions. Test them to see if they can be trusted and always know people can and will disappoint. Needless to say, when my best friends disappoint me, I expect it but that doesn't mean I'm not hurt by it. I tend to hide my feelings. Though anger boils to the surface a lot more readily than any other.

After a few days of Dean disappearing, I was a little disappointed in him and myself. Another person I let in my daughter's life that just walked out as fast as he came in. I don't like hurting my daughter over and over. I've tried to pick my friends wisely but in the end, maybe I'm just not too good at reading people. Since we moved to California there has been at least three guys I have let into out lives. Each one of them ended in disappointment and pain. My little girl doesn't understand why her "friends" disappear. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's not. I probably should have left her in Boston until I had things figured out over here. But I didn't want to trouble mom and dad. I know they always tell me she's no trouble but it's kind of an obligation for them to do that.

Anyway, the other night I got an interesting call from a stranger. Lyonell was at the house after another disastrous fight with Jordie, so I agreed to meet them. I didn't bother thinking out the risks. I mean Geri sounded nice on the phone. So we met in a parking lot of a Barnes & Noble. Naturally, the place was closed. It was late at night. She taught me a lot that night. I don't know if I'll ever actually use the knowledge or even do it again. We didn't do much talking. But it was a good meeting and great stress reliever. I had actually intended to go clubbing that night but I didn't get around to it. So Geri got to see me in a little bit more revealing outfits. Ones I normally don't wear because anyone who knows me knows I'm not exactly comfortable with my appearance. She did look me over and call me sexy though. I don't know if I agree with that but everyone can think what they want, right?

My brother is getting married in about a week. A little surprising. He's having one of those courtroom weddings that don't last long. Probably best that way. I don't know if he could take going through a long drawn out wedding so soon after he just went through one. I know Jeff is excited. I know he wants me to be there but I can't be there. I have my reasons for not supporting the choice and believe it or not, not all of them have to do with Jake. Sure, I don't necessarily want to be around him any more. But no, I just don't agree with weddings. Or they don't agree with me. Either way weddings and I don't mix. I did offer to cook them a little "reception" dinner if they wanted. Adri's a great girl. I just don't know if Jeff's ready to step up to the plate again. I mean his last marriage ended in utter disaster. He put his poor son through hell plus the two little girls and almost drug Maya through it. I'm not saying his new marriage is going to flop. I just worry about him and the kids. Mostly the kids. Ha-ha. Kidding Jeff.

Work is still just work. Pushing papers isn't exactly fun but someone has to do it. And you do get to learn a lot sitting behind the desk. If you read a report, you learn how any particular officer does things, what they look for. And hell, as long as I'm still at a desk I have free run of the building on my breaks. I find myself drawn to the cold cases most of the time. The boss told me I'd get my chance to see how I do. But I like to read files and autopsy reports. Morbid I know.

When I'm not working I have the kids with me. Maya thinks it's better now. I'm fun to play with now. I don over analyze things she does. Sure, at three, I don't exactly let her climb the tallest tree or anything. She still can't swing by herself, but I do let her run around more freely. Jethro seems content in the stroller for now. But he's not exactly old enough to know the difference.

Every once in a while, when the kids aren't with me, I go back to the place that I was shot. I sit there and analyze things. Where the shot could have come from. How much further over would the shooter have had to be to hit someone else other than his target. That's actually a scary thought. It could have killed Jeff if it was a few inches over to the right and one of my best friends a few inches to the left. Good thing the asshole was a relatively good shot. I don't know what I'd do without those two. But I also think of other things besides the open case. It's a nice place to think. Just lay back look into the sky and think of different things.

Anyway, Maya wants to pay and I think Jethro needs changed so I must be wrapping this up.

Let’s face it. No one actually cares or wants to read this boring shit. I could write about family, friends, work, or the holiday but in the end it’s all the same boring crap time after time. So why do it? Apparently I can find nothing better to do with my leisure time than type out whatever bullshit is happening in my life. Funny isn’t it?

But I will bore everyone with the same old same old because I don’t feel like writing up a long story of entertainment for the readers. There’s no point in sprucing up life when in reality it’s rather dull until you make it fun. But what you think is fun more than likely is dull to others. I know I don’t live a fascinating life, especially not now. Sitting behind a desk isn’t all that much fun and there is little to no excitement. Before my life was fun and constantly busy but we all have to grow up sometime. I have kids and responsibility now. It’s easier to take charge of those responsibilities when I’m not running from city to city or country to country. Sure I still dip into the entertainment side of things every once in a while. Old habits die hard. I used to love that life style. Or maybe I should say I loved the thought of that lifestyle. I hated when people got to close. I liked my privacy but in the entertainment world in order to make it your privacy vanishes. Those who know me know I am very independent and mostly private. I get a little edgy and testy if you invade my privacy which doesn’t exactly leave you with a good reputation in some circles. Then again those who know me also know my reputation doesn’t mean shit to me. As long as I had work I was good.

( More... )

In other news, I did some research on different things earlier in the week. I even made a call to take a little trip soon up to Oregon. It sounds like fun. I might even donate to the cause. And a few other causes while I’m up there. Maybe do some volunteer work and come up with some ideas of my own. That could be fun. Maybe I could start a rescue. I doubt it. No time and the expense is a killer I’d think. I might be able to make the time though and it’s not like I’m short on cash. We’ll see how it goes. More research in store.

Anyway, it’s time to get more of my to do list done. So I’m out.

There is a lot to be learned from those around you. Just sitting back and watching can be a good thing. I’ve learned more than enough. For instance, no matter where I go or what I do, someone is always trying to protect and shield me from something. My parents used to try to shield me from my real family. My brother shields me from anything he deems harmful. My sister shields me from what is harmful. And then there are those I turn to when I get sick of being protected. Those who will listen and try to help broaden my scope against the wishes of those trying to protect me.

( More lessons and meetings. )

I had Lyonell and Jordie over last weekend. Lyonell wasn’t too happy yet wasn’t upset that I refused to let them have sex in my house. It’s my house. I really don’t want to think about where they could or would have sex in it so it’s better to just veto it from the beginning. I cooked them a nice dinner. Lyonell was told to stay out of my kitchen. Little Lyonell kept me company in the kitchen while eating crackers. That boy is so cute.

Anyway, I better wrap this up. Maya was running a fever this weekend. Have to keep an eye on her. Last year’s medical emergency wasn’t fun. And in order to be a proper parent, I need my sleep. So for now my rambling is done.

So this past weekend, I took a little time to venture out on my own. I didn't really let anyone know where I was going or when I'd be back. It was more of a spititual connection. You know live off the land. Be more nature friendly. More people should try to do that. It would cut down on polution a lot more. Though it would be slower getting around. Maybe we just live in a too fast paced world. My mom used to tell me the spirit guides you. Right after that she'd tell me I'd have the spirit of a wolf. And then tell me I was stubborn as a mule. Back then I had no idea what she was talking about and frankly I didn't care. I was a kid. Sure she took me to Native American things to "fulfill" her Native American duties. I just thought the fire was cool and the dances were fun to watch and mimick. I tried to take one of the headdresses but that didn't work. I thought the feathers were pretty. Ha-ha! Wow. That was ages ago. I must have been 8 or 9. Fun times. Anyway back to what I was saying. Now for me, when I need spiritual guidance, I go off on my own. No one can reach me. I have to have silence. That way I can think. I can meditate. I can do what I need to do. I found a lot out about myself this weekend. Like everything I'm afraid of, I have a peculier fascination with. For instance, it is said everyone is afraid of death. I am afraid of death. I'm not going to lie. But I do find it fascinating to find out the how, why, when and where. I always have. Even when my stepfather was killed, I saw the body. I called 911. And I also went to investigate the body. I remember his eyes so dead and cold gazing out. and yet they had a look of surprise and laughter in them like he thought the killer wouldn't pull the trigger. He was cold to the touch. Clammy. I had known who did it but I kept my mouth shut. It wasn't that I feared who did it. I appreciated that they did it. The only thing that got me was the note left behind. Then I was adopted by the ones I call my parents. I switched back and forth between the morgue and the police station when I was home. Neither one was the greatest place for a kid but I had fun. I found talking to the dead helped clarify things. They didn't talk back and yet I could almost hear an answer to my problems. So yes growing up a lot of my friends were dead and the other part were dogs. But when I got to the teen years I actually hung out with the living who thought I was weird for hanging around the dead. But figured I'd come in handy being a cops daughter and all.

( More insight )

I added to my pack. Picked them up on my way home. Ranger loves them. Yeah a four year old pit likes to play with the little puppies. Ranger acts like a puppy so it all fits. He's a happy little boy now. And last but not least, my brother,Jefferz, is going to kill me. Probably not litterally. But at least disown me for a little while. He kept telling me I wasn't allowed to get a tattoo. So I did it anyway. Why? Because it fit me. I want another one soon. And this is coming from someone who hates needles. I had to be still for hours just to get it. But it does look pretty good. It'll look better when it's healed though.

I think that's about it for now. My entourage needs to go for a walk. And to end it all, pictures!!!

( My crew...babies too. )

My daughter is three now. She’s growing up so fast. Though I am kind of wondering if the ‘no’ phase is permanently programmed into her now or not. If she wants to do something, then it’s cool. You tell her to pick up her toys or eat and she’ll tell you her opinion. One little word is normally all it takes to voice it too. If she doesn’t want a toy she now throws it across the room. Sometimes hitting Ranger or Jethro. She loves those temper tantrums. The really big one she threw was actually on her birthday. She didn’t get a party this year and she wanted one. That sent her into a full blown fit early in the morning. She was mad at me for the rest of the day. She literally went and asked Jordie everything. If she wanted to play outside, I heard Jordie ask me if she could take her. Most of the time Maya is a darling but there are times when she can test your nerves. Probably just like any child. I’m sure I did it to my parents. Though I think the school counselors were more concerned. When I was home and in school, I didn’t talk to anyone but I’d sit in a corner looking at pictures of death. I think it freaked them out. Ha-ha. I thought it was funny. What can I say, most of the time growing up, the dead and my pets were my best friends. They don’t talk and after a day or two with the dead you never see them again.

( More family talk. )

Mother’s day came and went. It was a nice day. I got a gift from Adri which I thank her for. I got flowers from big brother. Jordie and Lyonell stopped over and talked to us for a while. I called home and talked to mom and dad and my siblings. I had a few calls from friends back in Boston and then I went to work. Oh. I got some calls from my band members and Evan and Ethan. They were being their normal selves. It was a good day though.

Well, time to let Ranger out one last time.

It's been a while since I bothered with this. Life's been...busy for the most part. Or maybe I just keep myself busy and hyped up on caffeine and sugar. I've gotten back into the swing of not wanting to sleep. Not needing the sleep is a different story. I still have to work on that. Sleep is bad. Sleep makes me remember. Remembering is bad. Sometimes there are pieces to the "puzzle" you don't want to find.

Well, I really haven't made it out and about to talk to people. I don't know why. I should be able too if I'm not sleeping all that much right? Except I normally go out at night. Late at night. I don't think many people are awake at 2 or 3 in the morning. And normally I'm just out in the backyard anyway. I don't want to wake the kids if I don't have too. I would go to the roof like usual but I like to go to the highest point and yeah that part tends to slope. I'm not up for falling off my house and breaking my neck.

( More meetings and such. )

Now that the kids are settled in. I should go pick up Ranger, Jake and Bella. Though Princess Maya doesn't like the name Bella so her names going to be changed to Jasmine. Jazzy for short.

Well, that's about all of my interesting antics I feel like talking about for now. Maybe later there will be more.

( Pictures of the kids, dogs and more. )

I was going to do this a couple days ago. But I needed a couple days to recooperate. I figured out why I thought drinking was a bad idea. No one likes being sick or having a headache. Maybe next time I should have a hangover remedy before hand. Or better yet, there won't be a next time. I'm sure I can handle that. The only good thing is I can't remember that night. But there's always video if I choose to replay it. The joys of having friends with public lives. Anyway I passed out at his place. Got sick all over it. He cleaned it up and I'm still not kicked out. Great place to recooperate from everything isn't it? Not all that far from the hospital if I need more medical attention. Yet out of sight so no one can find me if I don't choose to be found. Why did I do that? I don't want to go back to the hospital and knowing big brother, I'd be back there the second I was found if he found me. So I "hide" in the open. Easy to find if you know where to look.

( hospitals and such )

I called home the other night. Dad was surprised to hear from me. He asked if I was all right. I'm guessing no one actually called him to say I was hurt or in the hospital. So that came as a bit of a shock to him. He offered to come out but I told him not too. At least not until things are a little more stable. That way I can see the whole family. I miss my younger siblings and mom. Dad says he has a gift for me though. It does make me curious. I know my old dog Blondie is still out there with them. Things just get me curious lately. Called a few other friends out there too. They seem to be doing fine.

Well I have things to get done. People to see. Games to play.